Willingly A Black Dwarf
by Jerdan
Summary: Naruto is broken. Will people be able to help or is it too late? Character death, trans female character.
1. Is It Too Late?

Heavy breathes and rushed footsteps were the only sounds for a mile. Shikamaru had never run so hard in his life, aside for that time when he had to run to Konoha, barely managing to save Asuma's life.

* * *

_**Hey, it's my first and last time writing a letter. Kinda ironic huh? Whatever. I just wanted to say bye to my precious people. Ayame-neechan, Teuchi-ojisan, Iruka-sensei, Sakura-chan, Ero-sennin, Baa-chan, Shikamaru's lazy ass, Choji, Kakashi-sensei, Kiba's dog breath, Konohamaru, Gaara, Sai, everyone. If you someday catch Sasuke-teme or just bump into him, tell him too, okay? Thank you so so so SO much for everything you ever did to me! But I'm sick of living. I won't bore you with pathetic excuses of how sad my life had been to decide to kill myself. The truth is that I'm just not strong enough. Sorry for lying to yall about… well almost everything… yeah… that. Bye. LOVE U GUYS**_

* * *

It had been a normal day in Konoha. He was walking around without a care in the world when he saw Naruto eating ramen as always. He decided to sit beside him and chat. They talked for a while, until Naruto disappeared in a poof of smoke mid sentence. A clone. He looked at the counter, there was even money for his bowl of ramen. A considerate clone then. But the conversation had been very interesting, talk about tactics with Naruto was always interesting. He came up with the most unpredictable and ridiculous plans that somehow always seemed to work, it amazed Shikamaru because he would never be able to come up with something like that. He stood and went to Naruto's apartment at a lazy peace.

He arrived and found the door open, his instincts kicked in and he advanced with precaution. When he was sure there wasn't anyone inside he entered. Naruto certainly wasn't there. He was about to sigh and get out when something neon orange on the table caught his attention. He frowned, it was a letter that said: To the one who found this. Was Naruto playing games or something? He shrugged and opened the letter.

* * *

He kept running, no matter how much his body protested to the unusual strain. He could feel someone approaching but didn't care, he just kept running, trying to find something orange or yellow in a sea of brown and green. Soon Asuma was with him. So nothing to the west then, let's hope someone finds him. Shikamaru hoped against all logic to find Naruto, they had to.

* * *

Shikamaru finished reading the letter and stood there, shocked to the core. Then he slapped himself, now it wasn't the time to stay still! He needed to find Naruto and fast! He started to move, but the moment he moved his whole body crashed to the floor, unable to support his weight. He tried to stand up but he couldn't even move one finger. His whole body felt like it weighed- oh god that troublesome blonde! It was a trap for whoever read the letter so they wouldn't interfere! Shit he needed to move fast. But he. Couldn't. Move. He had been trying for at least ten minutes when he heard two familiar voices, they were chatting on the roof of the building! Shikamaru would have smiled in relief if that wouldn't have been so tiresome right now. Instead he gathered all the strength he had to scream Asuma's name.

In an instant both Jonin were there. He was sure that if it weren't for his expression they would have laughed at his predicament. Instead they got serious.

"What happened?"

"Letter… Naruto… help…"

Kakashi kneeled in front of him and hummed. "A fairly well done gravity seal trap, he's got you there."

Asuma was frowning, expression a bit alarmed. "Kakashi, take the seal off, we need to find him quickly!"

"Why? What did he do this tim-?" Kakashi's whole presence shifted the second he read the letter. He worked with efficiency and soon Shikamaru was free.

Thanks to Kakashi's summons they could pinpoint where Naruto was. The problem was that Naruto used shadow clones as decoys and they wouldn't know if they were following the lead of the original or a mere clone until it was too late. Shikamaru kicked a nearby tree, startling both Jonin. "Shit! We are done for! If Naruto doesn't want to be found he won't be! Not until it's too damn late! If it isn't already!"

"Why would it be too late?"

"I was talking with a clone when he dispelled himself in the middle of our conversation, went to his house walking at **my** pace and found the letter already there! Just who knows how much time passed since he left the note? Fucking blondes!"

"This is not going to lead us anywhere! You have to get it together, we don't know if it's too late already so we can't just give up!" Shikamaru nodded, a bit embarrassed. They split up and kept searching for what looked like an eternity. Finally, a small motte of yellow caught his attention.

"NARUTO!"


	2. How People Feel

Shikamaru sped up the moment he recognized it was actually Naruto, but when saw that **there was a pool of blood and that Naruto's chest wasn't rising** he faltered. He didn't want Naruto to be dead, and his distraction made him trip and end up falling on top of the blonde. Asuma hurried to help him when he saw that Shikamaru didn't immediately get up, and grimaced at seeing that now his student was covered in Naruto's blood, still fresh.

Shikamaru had used his fall to try to feel a heartbeat and found none. Then he saw his hands covered in blood. **Covered in Naruto's blood**. He snapped out of his trance and tried to find it again and again to no avail, meanwhile Asuma let him be. Kakashi found them and after confirming the obvious, he took Shikamaru's hand and shook his head. Shikamaru gave up, his eyes full of tears he refused to let fall, not until he knew why this happened.

Kakashi kneeled in the dirt beside Naruto in front of Shikamaru and hugged the blonde, not caring about the blood that was staining his clothes as well. He had failed, again.

* * *

Jiraiya was drunk when he received the news, but he sobered up instantly when he read it. His hands itched, not being able to decide if he wanted to destroy the letter attached to the message or keep it save forever. One thing he knew though, was that he would go to Konoha, but he wouldn't go alone. He sent a quick reply with one of his toads. He had a missing ninja to find.

With his contacts finding him wasn't difficult. Especially because it seemed the kid hadn't bothered with hiding. When he told the kid he wanted to speak with him in private it was futile, so he just told him in front of his little group of followers what had happened.

Jiraiya watched with morbid satisfaction how Sasuke's stoic and uncaring expression crumbled, his face twisted in fury, sorrow and incredulity.

"LIAR! YOU'RE LYING! NARUTO WOULDN'T-"

"I have his goodbye letter right here kid." He tossed it to Sasuke, who caught it and read it. Then he read it again, and again, and again. His hands started to tremble, and Jiraiya again found it satisfactory to know that this kid felt something for Naruto, he had thought of Naruto as a friend all along. Naruto hadn't been wrong. Too bad he would never know about this.

"LIAR! YOU'RE FAKING THIS! THIS IS A SICK JOKE YOU AND THE DOBE ARE PULLING! WHERE IS HE? I'LL KILL HIM FOR DOING THIS!"

Jiraiya sighed. It would be better to let the kid see Naruto by himself. He would stay in denial no matter what he said.

* * *

Even with how packed the room was, there was an almost unnatural silence in the air. It looked like everybody wasn't even breathing. Then the screams were heard, they were pained and desperated screams and they were coming closer. Suddenly the door opened violently and Jiraiya entered the room with a grim expression on his face. He was dragging Sasuke with him, who was still screaming incoherencies and struggling to get free, punching and kicking the air and Jiraiya.

In any other moment Sakura would have been ecstatic knowing Sasuke was back in Konoha, but the price of bringing him here? She just could see how broken Sasuke looked, knowing she was broken too now. Kakashi didn't know what to feel right now either, especially at how strongly Sasuke was reacting to the news.

"GET OFF ME! I HAVE TO GO BACK! I HAVE TO BE THERE WITH HIM! WHY THE FUCK DID HE DO THAT? HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BREAK, HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THIS, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BECOME HOKAGE AND BE THE SAME IDIOT ALL HIS LIFE HE WASN'T… HE WASN'T…" He broke into a desperate roar that morphed into a sob halfway. He finally gave up and went limp in Jiraiya's arms, who just sat Sasuke in a chair.

Tsunade took a deep breath and looked at the people there. There was everyone who Naruto mentioned in his letter, plus Asuma, Hinata, Inoichi and Shikaku. Part of the job of being Hokage was keep calm and rational even in the worst situations and to be everyone's pillar. She herself was broken inside, but she knew what Naruto would have wanted. Even if she also knew the teenager would understand if she couldn't, but she wanted to. She wanted to make Naruto proud. Her knuckles went white from clenching her fists too tightly, drawing blood that pooled on the floor beside her chair. Her rage and sorrow mixed together but she kept her calm facade, there will be time to her breakdown after this.

"So Inoichi, I take you have entered in Naruto's memories?" A nod was all the confirmation she needed. "Give us a report."

Inoichi looked like he was struggling with how to start. "There were a lot of surprises there. The first one was that since he was twelve and he used the Kyubi's chakra for the first time, the Kyubi was able to communicate with him. Each time Naruto felt bad, each time he felt weak in any sense, the fox attacked that. He helped destroy Naruto's already fragile mind and soul. His life was very toxic, from the way the villagers treated him, to the way he dealt with it. He just bottled everything up and hid behind a happy-go-lucky facade. A facade so well done none of us saw through it." He looked particularly upset about that. "Another important thing I have to tell you… Naruto is a girl." At the incredulous silence his words left he hurried to clarify. "Not physically, he- she, is male. But her mind is certainly female, and I saw in her memories and thoughts how Naruto thought of herself as a she. She is a woman even if she's male. It was part of the reason as to why she created the Oiroke no jutsu, to be able to look female in front of everyone even if just for a few seconds. When she was in her house she used a henge and each time she had to drop the jutsu I could feel the disgust and hatred Naruto felt for her own body. The showers were another story, she really hated showers or being naked in general. She always hid it because she knew how everyone would react. Because the Sandaime didn't react well, he tried to convince her it was just a phase and that she was confused, saying it wasn't possible for her to be a girl. That destroyed a part of Naruto forever. She didn't dare to come out to anyone ever again. Basically the reason she did this is simply that she had way too much bottled up, way more than a normal person could have bore. The Kyubi feeding her insecurities and self hatred didn't help. In the end she broke for real."

Nobody knew what to say, all those present were horrified at not noticing any of this. They were supposed to be close to Naruto, yet no one saw anything amiss. They didn't want to think that maybe Naruto wasn't dealing with things the best way, that maybe she was hiding something. They didn't want to think that maybe Naruto wasn't really happy. Because Naruto's bubbly presence was a constant that made all of them feel at ease, it made them think that all was going to be okay. They were harsh with her, not thinking their words or actions could make a real impact on her, they thought they could hit her with all their force without a care.

Self hatred impregnated the air. This was their fault. If they had noticed, if they had been nicer to him- her. If they had been better friends, if. If. If.

The first one to break the silence was Kakashi. He asked Inoichi to explain better about Naruto being a girl. Inoichi did his best to explain it, but the truth is that he didn't understand it very well himself. Naruto was clueless as to why she was born in a male's body, she had never met anyone like herself and Inoichi hadn't heard of anything like this before. So he wasn't sure how to explain it.

All he could say is how Naruto felt. The disgust and self hatred she felt about being different, how at first she thought everyone hated her because of that. That people called her a freak and a demon because of this. That's why when she discovered the truth about the Kyubi she was almost relieved. People didn't think of her as a freak because she was a girl in a boy's body. That meant a lot to Naruto. But the fear of being rejected was so deeply ingrained that she didn't dare ask anyone about this after what the Sandaime said to her. That's why she didn't know anything herself more than how she felt.

Kakashi however, and everyone for that matter, were satisfied with knowing Naruto was really a woman and how she had felt. Iruka then asked about the Kyubi being able to communicate with her, and Inoichi explained how a connection was made between them when Naruto first used the Kyubi's chakra. Then how the Bijuu used it to fed Naruto negative thoughts. He fed Naruto's insecurities, saying how nobody really loved her, how everyone either hated or pitied her. How she was a freak for being a woman in a man's body, making her hate herself even more. And how lately, he had been encouraging Naruto to kill herself. Until Naruto succumbed and did it.

Everyone was shocked and rightfully furious about this. They wanted to blame the Kyubi for everything, but they knew that it wasn't true. They had a hand in this too, though not directly like the Kyubi had. The fact that there was nothing they could do now filled them with rage and impotence.

While the others had been dealing with their incredulity asking questions. Sasuke, already sensitive from discovering the truth about the Uchiha Massacre and Itachi's death, took the news with fury and hurt. He let out a furious roar and, standing up, cut the table they were sitting around of with his Kusanagi charged with lighting chakra. This time it was Kakashi who tried to stop him, but before he could Sasuke strode to the room where Naruto laid, being followed by everyone.

Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the collar of her shirt. "WHY? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING? WHY DIDN'T YOU TRUST US?" He shook Naruto, who remained unresponsive.

Shikamaru then trapped him in the Kagemane no jutsu, making him release Naruto. Sasuke roared but Kiba had had enough. "SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU THINK YOU CAN COME BACK AND DEMAND NARUTO ANYTHING AFTER WHAT DID YOU DO TO HI- HER? YOU ALMOST FUCKIN' KILLED HER! YOU DON'T DESERVE HER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!" He didn't hide his tears, letting them run down his face. His face was red and he was panting and shaking out of sheer rage, wanting nothing more than to attack Sasuke. Just the fact that Naruto wouldn't have wanted that was keeping him at bay.

Shikamaru decided to add something too. He had never liked Sasuke, but for Naruto he would try to make him understand. This time when he thought about the blonde he let his tears fall, not ashamed to show his emotions in a room full of people who were showing them too. Naruto deserved them to show them openly. He breathed and spoke. "He's right you know. You left willingly and pierced her chest with a Chidori twice. You did almost kill her and attacked her more than once. You certainly don't have the right to demand anything from her. And trust you? Did you ever open up to her about your problems?" At the silence Shikamaru nodded, making Sasuke imitate him. "That's what I thought, if you didn't tell her anything, why should she tell you anything? Especially if she was afraid of you thinking she was a freak?"

Sasuke stayed quiet for a few seconds and then spoke in a weak voice that sounded foreign to his own ears. "Release me." Seeing he was calm now Shikamaru did so and Sasuke shifted his posture so his face would be hiding from anyone in the room. He didn't want any of them to see his tears. He bent down until his and Naruto's forehead were touching and whispered to her. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."

The rest just watched, each them in their own world. At Shikamaru's words everyone felt called out. Sakura was openly crying, letting her tears stain her face and muffling her sobs with her hands. Iruka too was crying, tears running freely through his face. He didn't bother trying to muffle his sobs, he felt like his world crumbled, he felt like a failure. Ayame and Teichi felt like that too, they felt like they should have done more. Kakashi was feeling numb, just like Tsunade he would have his breakdown alone in front of the Stone Monument later. Hinata was sitting on the floor, her crying face hidden on her knees. Jiraiya and Sai were equally grim, Jiraiya thinking on all the times he missed the signals of how lonely and starved for affection and acceptance Naruto was. Sai didn't know how to feel, he didn't know what he was feeling but he knew he didn't like it. All of them wanted this to not be real.

All of them wanted Naruto to not have haf her heart and nape pierced with kunais, they wanted her to wake up and laugh at them, telling them it was all a joke. They wanted her to smile her blinding smile as always.

But she couldn't. She couldn't do any of these things because she did have her heart and nape cleanly pierced by her own hands. She couldn't because she was dead.

Naruto was dead.

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Thanks everyone for reading and special thanks to my lifesaver Darkwoods!


End file.
